Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
