i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
