...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
