Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
