She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
