cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
