I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
