I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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