all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
whose parrot is this?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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