Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize