I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
