"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
