put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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