I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
