I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
