ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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