May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
