Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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