I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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