I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
