so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
