One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
