my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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