when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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