shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
