I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
