you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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