Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
