Christians are straight up FREAKS
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need a beard to bite.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
