You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
