i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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