Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
