i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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