I have demons in me.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
