i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
