So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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