So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize