I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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