My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
