when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
