GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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