Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
