Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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