i think my mom watched the whole time
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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