Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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