dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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