My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
