I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
