I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
