i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
