I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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