I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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