Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
