I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
