Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
