can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
