you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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