dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
