The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
