It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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