everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
